25 things guaranteed* to happen in baseball in 2008

In the great tradition of my previous Fools’ Day posts (er… post), I present to you 25 things absolutely, positively guaranteed to happen in the year 2008.  (*-Please note that all are guaranteed except those that do not actually happen.)

  1. Curt Schilling will write something in his blog on a slow news day, and it will be mildly controversial and people who know nothing about baseball will feel the need to comment on it.  Hilarity will ensue.
  2. Someone with a really good Pythagorean record (one better than one of the actual playoff teams) will miss out on the playoffs.
  3. People will spend a great deal of time arguing about whether Tim Raines or Jim Rice should be voted into the Hall of Fame, despite the fact that they do not have an actual HOF vote.  These same people will not use the Presidential vote that they do have.
  4. Oakland will go through a rough year, since they’re re-building after several years of 90 wins or so.  This, like everything else that Oakland does, will be cited as evidence that Moneyball doesn’t work.
  5. The Chicago Cubs will win the World Series.  Oh did someone else already make that guarantee?
  6. Someone will swallow hard and sign Barry Bonds*.
  7. ESPN will ignore 60% of the teams in the AL East.  (Hopefully, for Chris Berman’s sake, they’ll at least show one Blue Jays game.)
  8. The Scott Linebrink Award for the “setup guy” who had a really good season last year, and this year will be simply ordinary will go to Tony Pena. 
  9. Speaking of Tony Pena, Tony Pena (the pitcher) will face Tony Pena (the shortstop) sometime during the weekend of 6/13-6/15 when the Royals pay a visit to Chase Field to take on the Diamondbacks.  Unfortunately, the Royals don’t also play the Brewers this year, so Ryan Braun won’t be able to face off against Ryan Braun.
  10. Hey, Devil Rays fans.  Finally performing that exorcism will put you over .500!
  11. A-Rod will hit .350, hit 50 HR, drive in 130, lead the league in VORP, WARP, and HDXPIRF (well, maybe that last one was made up), carry an under-achieving team with an aging pitching staff and a bloated payroll to the playoffs, play a pretty good third base, somehow find time to steal 20 bases, donate $100,000 to an orphanage, save two kids from drowining, and hit a few game winning home runs.  He will still be derided as an over-paid, self-absorbed jerk who can’t come through in the clutch.
  12. Dane Cook will quietly receive a lifetime ban from baseball.  We here at StatSpeak hope that the emphasis is on the “quietly.”  While we’re at it, he will also receive a lifetime ban from acting.  And doing comedy.  And will be sent to Siberia.
  13. Johan Santana will not win 20 games.  That’s OK, he’ll still be the best pitcher in baseball.  This will, however, prompt cries from New York that he was “totally not worth it.”
  14. B. J. Upton will amaze.
  15. The Washington Nationals will win the award for “Best Hat” and ”Best use of the letter W in a logo since Weezer.”  And maybe 65 games.
  16. During the All-Star Game, Joe Buck and Tim McCarver will combine to say something so insanely stupid that it will become the Miss Teen South Carolina of 2008.  And they will continue along as if nothing had ever happened.  Most of America will as well because… sometimes it’s just better to leave some things alone, nod, and smile.
  17. Someone will finally explain to me how it is that the Seattle Mariners, who have a bunch of Sabermetrically inclined bloggers as their fans can still do silly things like sign Jose Vidro, Richie Sexson, Adrian Beltre…
  18. Mike Fast will do a Pitch F/X analysis on me and my 40 mph fastball.  Mike?  Where’d you go?
  19. The Boston Red Sox will win the World Series.
  20. The Cleveland Indians will win the World Series.
  21. The New York Yankees will win the World Series.  (Eventually, if I type enough of these, I’ll get one right.  The Kansas City Royals will… nevermind)
  22. The Braves will trade for Greg Maddux at the trading deadline as they try to win the NL East, reuniting the Maddux-Glavine-Smoltz trilogy of the mid-90s. 
  23. Baltimore will break their streak of fourth place finishes and will change things up by finishing last in the AL East.
  24. One of the Rookie of the Year awards will go to a Japanese pitcher.  The other will go to a random kid on the North Side of Chicago who has a broken arm and goes to a Cubs game and gets signed by the team… what?
  25. Roger Clemens* will stay retired this year.  The whole year.  Please, Roger, for the good of the game, stay retired.
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7 Responses to 25 things guaranteed* to happen in baseball in 2008

  1. Kristy Fasano says:

    I absolutely LOVED this post. Just what I needed to get through a tough day at work. I especially agree with bullet point three.

  2. Maddux, Glavine and Smoltz need to retire together so I can cry once and not two or three separate times.

  3. Minda says:

    This post made me laugh heartily.

  4. Well, the Schilling thing happened today with the Canseco fight.

  5. Pizza Cutter says:

    Oddly enough, I’ve been disconnected from the TV lately and I wrote that two weeks ago. See, I told you they were all guaranteed.

  6. Mike Fast says:

    I promise you that when I get a PITCHf/x system set up in my backyard, you can come down so I can do an analysis of your “fast” ball.

  7. Pizza Cutter says:

    It’ll be easy to do the pitch clustering algorithim on me. 100% “here, hit this” ball.

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